Recon's Joke Page

	Blind Man
	Blind man enters a Lesbian bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while the blind guy yells to the bartender: "Hey, wanna hear a blonde joke?' A deathly silence transcends the bar. In a deep, husky,menacing voice, the woman next to him says: "Before you tell that joke, you should know something." "The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde, and I'm a 6' tall, 200lb blonde with a black belt in Karate." "What's more, the woman sitting next to me is blonde and she's a weight lifter." "The lady to your right is a blonde and she's a power wrestler." "Think about it seriously, Mister. You still wanna tell that joke?" The blind man pauses to think, and says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

	SEVERE EARTHQUAKE IN FRANCE February 14, 2003
	Today it was reported that a severe earthquakes have occurred in 10 different locations in France. The severity was measured in excess of 10 on the Richter Scale. The cause was the 56,681 dead American soldiers buried in French soil rolling over in their graves. According to the American Battle Monuments Commission there are 26,255 Yankee dead from World War I buried in 4 cemeteries in France. There are 30,426 American dead from World War II buried in 6 cemeteries in France. These 56,681 brave American heroes died in their youth to liberate a country which is guilty of shameful unspeakable behavior in the 21st century. May the United States of America never forget their sacrifice as we find ways to forcefully deal with the Godforsaken unappreciative, forgetful country of France! They rolled over so the French can Kiss Their ASS

	The Train Ride
	The only seat available on the train was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged French woman and the seat was being used by her dog. The weary traveler asked, "Ma'am, please move your dog. I need that seat. The French woman looked down her nose at the American, sniffed and said, "You Americans. Your are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my little FiFi is using that seat?" The American walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog. Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired." The French woman wrinkled her nose and snorted "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant....Imagine!" The American didn't say anything else, he leaned over, picked up the dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her honor and chastise the American. An English man sitting across the aisle spoke up indignantly "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, Sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window."

	Beautiful Parrot
	A woman went to a shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50. "Why so little?" She asked the pet store owner. The owner looked at her and said "Look I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff." The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her and said "New house, new madam." The woman was a bit shocked at the implication but then thought "that's not so bad." When her two teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new girls. "The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation. Moments later, the woman's husband came home from work. The bird looked at him and said, "Hi Keith."

	Marines
	Marine Corps General Reinwald was interviewed on the radio the other day and you have to read his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children. Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you gotta love this. This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion of National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster and US Marine Corps General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation. FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base? GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting. FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it? GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range. FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children? GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm. FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent killers. GENERAL REINWALD: Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you? The radio went silent and the interview ended. You gotta love the Marines.

	Mothers
	Inspection Teams.... Have you noticed anything fishy about the inspection teams who have arrived in Iraq? They're all men! How in the name of the United Nations does anyone expect men to find Saddam's stash? We all know that men have a blind spot when it comes to finding things. For crying' out loud! Men can't find the dirty clothes hamper! Men can't find the jar of jelly until it falls out of the cupboard and splatters on the floor....and these are the people we have sent into Iraq to search for hidden weapons of mass destruction? I keep wondering why groups of mothers weren't sent in. Mothers can sniff out secrets quicker than a drug dog can find a gram of dope. Mothers can find gin bottles stashed in the attic beneath the rafters. They can sniff out a diary or a hidden Playboy two rooms and one floor away. They can tell when the lid of a cookie jar has been disturbed and notice when a quarter inch slice has been shaved off a chocolate cake. A mother can smell alcohol on your breath before you get your key in the front door and can smell cigarette smoke from a block away. By examining laundry, a mother knows more about their kids than Sherlock Holmes. And if a mother wants an answer to a question, she can read an offender's eyes quicker than a homicide detective. So... considering the value a mother could bring to an inspection team, why are we sending a bunch of men who will rely on electronic equipment to scout out hidden threats? My mother would walk in with a wooden soup spoon in one hand, grab Saddam by the ear, give it a good twist and snap. "Young man, do you have any weapons of mass destruction?" And God help him if he tried to lie to her. She'd march him down the street to some secret bunker and shove his nose into a nuclear bomb and say, "Uh huh, and what do you call this, Mister?" Whap! Thump! Whap! Whap! Whap! And she'd lay some stripes across his bare bottom with that soup spoon, then march him home in front of the whole of Baghdad. He'd not only come clean and apologize for lying about it, he'd do chores in Baghdad for free for the whole damn summer. You want the job done? Call in the mothers! United Mothers of the World Local # 101

	Sometimes It Does Take A Rocket Scientist!!(true story)
	Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of windshields. British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements made, a gun was sent to the British engineers. When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's backrest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin, like an Arrow shot from a bow. The horrified Brits sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the US scientists for suggestions. You're going to love this: NASA responded with a one-line memo: "Defrost the chicken." What would you have given to see the look on their faces, upon reading that memo? Way too funny!

	Who
	1) Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out" 2) Who was the first one who thought that the white thing that came from a hen's rear looked edible? 3) Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp which no decent human being would eat? 4) Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer? 5) If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him? 6) Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane? 7) If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat? 8) Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is? 9) Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway? 10) Why does goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs! 11) What do you call male ballerinas? 12) Why ARE Trix only for kids? 13) If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme stuff, why didn't he just buy dinner? 14) If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests? 15) If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from? 16) If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons? 17) Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse? 18) Why does the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have thesame tune? 19) Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup? 20) Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?

	Notice From Carnival Cruise Lines
	Afghanistan Cruise We at Carnival Cruise Lines didn't forget that a lot of entertainers had promised to leave the country if George W.Bush became President. With that in mind, we have a Special Offer for those who want to keep their promise! Attention: Would Alec Baldwin, Rosie O'Donnell, Cher, Phil Donahue,David Gephin, Barbara Streisand, Pierre Salinger, and anyone else who made that promise, please dispose of all US assets and report to Florida for the sailing of the Funship Cruise, "Elation," which has been commissioned to take you to your new vacation homes in Afghanistan. You may opt to be dropped off in Somalia or Iraq. The Florida Supreme Court will sponsor a Farewell Parade in your honor through Palm Beach,Broward, and Miami-Dade counties prior to your cruise. Please pack for an extended stay... at least four years and you should consider the possibility of eight years. Note: Since you advocate strict gun control, you may not bring any. Staffing your voyage is Bill Clinton as captain, Al Gore as cruise director, Monica Lewinsky as recreation director, Ted Kennedy as lifeguard and emergency procedures director, and Congressman Gary Condit as intern coordinator. If you have any questions about making arrangements for your homes, friends and loved ones, please direct your comments to Senator Hillary Clinton. Her village can raise your children while you're gone, and she can watch over all your money and your furnishings until you return. Bon Voyage!" Is this a great country or what!

	The Whys of Men.
	1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX? (because they are plugged into a genius) 2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING FOREPLAY? (they don't have enough time) 3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG? (they don't stop to ask directions) 4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS? (because their balls fall over their butts and they vapor lock) 5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS? (so they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties) 6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN? (you need a rough draft before you make a final copy) 7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN? (don't know.....it never happened) 8.WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH? (because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)

	Men And Sex
	After the Lord had created Man, he chose to give him 20 years of a Normal Sex Life. Man's reply was "20 Years!...Is that all?" The Lord was very sound on the subject. He said, "That is all I will give to you." Then the Lord called upon the Lion, and gave the Lion 20 years. The Lion said to the Lord, "I really only need 10". The man raised his hand and asked if the Lion could give him his extra 10. The Lion agreed. Then the Lord called upon the Monkey, and gave the Monkey 20 years. The Monkey too replied, "I only need 10." Man again raised his hand and asked the Monkey for his extra 10. The monkey agreed. Then the Lord called upon the Donkey, and he too gave the Donkey 20 years. The Donkey replied, "We don't normally need 20, so I too will only need 10." Then the donkey looked at the man..."I suppose you want my extra 10." Man nodded, and the Donkey agreed. The moral of the story.. That is why man has 20 years of a normal sex life, another 10 for Monkeying around, another 10 for Lion about it, and 10 more of making a complete ass out of himself!

	Monkey Business
	Two gay gentlemen are walking through a zoo. They come across the gorillas, and after a while they notice that the male gorilla has a massive erection. The gay men are fascinated by this.One of the men just can't bear it any longer and he reaches into the cage to touch it.The gorilla grabs him, drags him into the cage and mates for six hours non-stop. When he's done, the gorilla throws the man back out of the cage. An ambulance is called and the man is taken away to the hospital. A few days later his friend visits him in the hospital and asks, "Are you hurt?". "AM I HURT?", he shouts,; "Wouldn't you be? He hasn't CALLED, he hasn't WRITTEN, ...."

	Iraq
	One Of the The Iraqi Ambassador to the UN has just finished giving a speech, and walks out into the lobby where he meets President Bush. They shake hands and, after a brief chat about world affairs, the Iraqi says, "I have a question that I think perhaps you can answer." President Bush says, "Well, I'm not the sharpest knife in the drawer, but I'll do my best." The Iraqi ambassador continues, "My son watches this show 'Star Trek' and in it there are Russians, Blacks, and Asians, but never any Arabs. He is very upset. He doesn't understand why there are never any Arabs in Star Trek." President Bush laughs, leans toward the Iraqi, and whispers, "It's because it takes place in the future...."

	Not Sure Of...
	You're not sure of: THE DOCTOR because he says, "Take off your clothes." THE DENTIST because he says, "Open wide." THE HAIRDRESSER because he says, "Do you want it teased or blown?" THE MILKMAN because he says, "Do you want it in the front or the back?" THE INTERIOR DECORATOR because he says, "Once it's in, you'll love it." THE STOCK BROKER because he says, "It will rise right up, fluctuate for a while and then slowly fall back again." THE BANKER because he says, "If you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest." THE HUNTER because he goes deep in the bush, shoots twice and always eats what he shoots. THE BELL ATLANTIC GUY because he says, "Would you like it on the table or against the wall?"

	Bicycle
	Over in parts of the rural North Midwest, we are not able enough to buy our preachers cars. Instead we buy them bicycles. One Saturday afternoon a group of preachers were by the church talking. A new preachers, Billy Joe, walked up to join them. One of the preachers asked, "Where is your bicycle, Billy?" Billy replied, "I have some bad news. I believe that one of the members of our congregation has stolen my bicycle." The other preacher said, "Boy, that is a shame, but I have an idea. When you give your sermon on Sunday, go through the ten commandments and when you get to, THOU SHALL NOT STEAL, fire it upon them. The guilty member will return your bicycle." Billy thought this was a grand idea and that Sunday he did just that. A week later the preachers were our in front of the church again chatting, and up came Billy on his bicycle. One of the preachers said, Billy, I see that it worked. Your bicycle was returned! Billy replied, "Not exactly, I preached The Ten Commandments and when I got to, THOU SHALL NOT COMMIT ADULTERY, I remembered where I left my bicycle.

		Written By A Very wise Man
		This is why math is taught in school. I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing him to have to drive on to the shoulder to avoid hitting her. This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out his window and gave the woman the finger. "Man, that guy is stupid," I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic, and here's why: I drive 48 miles each way every day to work. That's 96 miles each day. Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper. Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway. There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars. Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper-to-bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars. That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars that I pass every day. Statistically, females drive half of these. That's 18,000 women drivers! In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS. That's 642. According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding. That's 449. According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide. That's 98. And 34% describe men as their biggest problem. That's 33. According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons, and this number is increasing. That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed. Give the woman the finger? ....... I think not.

		Golf
		Ever wonder why golf is growing in popularity and people who don't even play go to tournaments or watch it on TV? These truisms may shed light on reasons why. Golf is an honorable game, with the overwhelming majority of players being honorable people who don't need referees. Golfers don't have some of their players in jail every week. Golfers don't scratch their privates on the golf course. Golfers don't kick dirt on, or throw bottles at, other people. Professional golfers are compensated in direct proportion to how well they play. (My favorite) Golfers don't get per diem and two seats on a charter flight when they travel between tournaments. Golfers don't hold out for more money, or demand new contracts, because of another player's deal. Professional Golfers don't demand that the taxpayers pay for the courses on which they play. When golfers make a mistake, nobody is there to cover for them or back Them up. The PGA Tour raises more money for charity in one year than the National Football League does in two. You can watch the best golfers in the world up close, at any tournament, including the majors, all day, every day for $25 or $30. The cost for a seat in the nosebleed section at the Super Bowl will cost around $300 or more. You can bring a picnic lunch to the tournament golf course, watch the best in the world and not spend a small fortune on food and drink. Try that at one of the taxpayer funded baseball or football stadiums. I brought a Coke into Oriole Park at Camden Yards last year, and an usher came to my seat and told me I had to dispose of it, or I would not be allowed to stay in the stadium. In golf you cannot fail 70% of the time and make $9 million a season, like the best baseball hitters (.300 batting average) do. Golf doesn't change its rules to attract Fans. Golfers have to adapt to an entirely new playing area each week. Golfers keep their clothes on while they are being interviewed. Golf doesn't have free agency. In their prime, Greg Norman, Arnold Palmer and other stars, would shake your hand and say they were happy to meet you. In his prime Jose Canseco wore T-shirts that read "Leave Me Alone." You can hear birds chirping on the golf course during a tournament. At a golf tournament, (unlike at taxpayer-funded sports stadiums and arenas) you won't hear a steady stream of four letter words and nasty name calling while you're hoping that no one spills beer on you. Tiger Woods can hit a golf ball three times as far as Barry Bonds can hit a baseball. Golf Courses don't ruin the neighborhood.

		Little Johnny
		In school one day the teacher decided in science class she would teach about materials. So she stood in the front of the class and said, "Children, if you could have one raw material in the world what would it be?" Little Richie raised his hand and said "I would want gold, because gold is worth a lot of money and I could buy a Porsche." The teacher nodded and called on little Susie Marie. Little Susie said "I would want platinum because platinum is worth more than gold and I could buy a Corvette." The teacher smiled and then called on Little Johnny. Little Johnny stood up and said, "I would want silicone." The teacher said, "Why Johnny?" He responded by saying, "Because my mom has two bags of it and you should see all the sports cars outside our house!!"

		Little Johnny
		Little Johnny walks into school one day to find a substitute in place of his regular teacher. She says, "Hello class, I'm Mrs. Prussy. When you say my name class remember it has an "r" after the first letter." The entire class says, "Hello Mrs. Prussy." A few days later the regular teacher is still sick when Little Johnny gets to his desk the teacher asks what her name is. Johnny thinks hard and the says to the teacher, "I remember it has an "r" after the first letter." "That's right!" she coaxed. Then after a few seconds Little Johnny says, "Mrs. Crunt?"

		Know Your Job
		A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road; he stopped and offered her a lift, which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg. The priest had a look and nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun looked at him and immediately said, "Father, remember psalm 129?" The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced himself to remove his hand. However, he was unable to remove his eyes from her leg. Further on while changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again Said, "Father, remember psalm 129?" Once again the priest apologized. "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun got out gave him a meaningful glance and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a bible and looked up psalm 129. It Said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory." Read on.... MORAL OF THE STORY: Always be well informed in your job, or you might miss a great opportunity!

		Golf
		One lovely morning, Ben and Thomas were out golfing. Ben slices his ball deep into a wooded ravine. He grabs his 8-iron and proceeds down the embankment into the ravine in search of his ball. Ben searches diligently throughout the thick underbrush and suddenly he spots something shiny. As he gets closer, he realizes that the shiny object is in fact an 8-iron in the hands of a skeleton lying near an old golf ball. Ben excitedly calls out to his golfing partner: "Hey Thomas, come here, I got big trouble down here." Thomas comes running over to the edge of the ravine and calls out: "What's the matter Ben?" Ben shouts back in a nervous voice: "Throw me my 7-iron! Looks like you can't get out of here with an 8-iron."

		Golf
		After a round of golf, four elderly ladies sat around the club house chatting. Seeing the ladies, the Pro approached them and asked: "How did your game go?" The first said she had a good round...making the comment that she actually had 25 riders. The Pro was a bit perplexed not knowing what a "Rider" was. The second lady then quickly chimed in and said that she had a very good round as well with 16 riders. The third lady then said that her round was average and that she only had 10 riders. The fourth lady admitted that she played the worst round of the day and that she only had 2 riders all day long. The Pro was completely confused not knowing what the term "rider" meant. But, because he didn't want to look dumb, he made a quick polite remark, wished the ladies well and then left. He then approached the bartender and asked "Hey, can you tell me what these ladies are talking about when they refer to 'Riders'?" The bartender simply smiled and said..."A 'Rider'" is when you hit a shot long enough to ride on the golf cart to your ball."

		Tee Hee
		A saleswoman is driving toward home in Northern Arizona when she sees a Navajo woman hitchhiking. Because the trip had been long and quiet, she stops the car and the Navajo woman climbs in. During their small talk the Navajo woman glances surreptitiously at a brown bag on the front seat between them. "If you're wondering what's in the bag," offers the saleswoman, "it's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband." The Navajo woman is silent for a while, nods several times and says, "Good trade."

		The Ant &The Grasshopper
		ORIGINAL VERSION
		The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long building his house and laying in supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.
		CURRENT VERSION
		The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long building his house and laying in supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others are cold and starving. CBS, NBC and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food. America is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can this be that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so? Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper, and everybody cries when they sing, "It's Not Easy Being Green." Jesse Jackson stages a demonstration in front of the ant's house, where the news stations film the group singing, "We shall overcome." Jesse then has the group kneel down to pray to God for the grasshopper's sake. Tom Daschle exclaims in an interview with Peter Jennings that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his "fair share." Richard Gephart nods in agreement with higher taxes. Finally, the EEOC drafts the "Economic Equity and Anti-Grasshopper Act," retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes to the government. Hillary gets her old law firm to represent the grasshopper in a defamation suit against the ant, and the case is tried before a panel of Federal judges that Bill had appointed from a list of single-parent welfare recipients. The ant loses the case. The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the ant's food while the government house he is in, which just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him because he doesn't maintain it. The ant has disappeared into the snow, searching and preparing for a new life. The grasshopper is found dead in a drug-related incident and the house, now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders who terrorize the once peaceful neighborhood. HAVE A GREAT YEAR ENJOYING EVERYTHING YOU WORKED HARD FOR!!

		Colonscopies
		A physician claims these are actual comments from his patients made while he was performing colonoscopies: 1. "Take it easy, Doc, you're boldly going where no man has gone before." 2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?" 3. "Can you hear me NOW?" 4. "Oh boy, that was sphincterrific!" 5. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?" 6. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married." 7. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?" 8. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out. You do the Hokey Pokey...." 9. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!" 10."If your hand doesn't fit, you must acquit!" 11. "Hey, Doc, let me know if you find my dignity." 12. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?" 13. "Could you write me a note for my wife, saying that my head is not, in fact, up there?"

		Hilary Clinton Pregnant
		Hillary Clinton goes to her doctor for a physical, only to find out that she's pregnant. She is furious. Here she's in the middle of her first term as Senator of New York and this has happened to her. She calls home, gets Bill on the phone and immediately starts screaming; "How could you have let this happen? With all that's going on right now, you go and get me pregnant! How could you? I can't believe this! I just found out I am five weeks pregnant and it is all your fault! Your fault! Well, what have you got to say?" There is nothing but dead silence on the phone. She screams again, "Did you hear me?" Finally she hears Bill's very, very quiet voice. In a barely audible whisper, he says, "Who is this?"

		Confession
		"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman." The priest asks, "Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?" "Yes, Father, it is." "And, who was the woman you were with?" "Sure and I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation." "Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?" "I cannot say." "Was it Patricia Kelly?" "I'll never tell." "Was it Liz Shannon?" "I'm sorry, but I can't name her." "Was it Cathy Morgan?" "My lips are sealed." "Was it Fiona McDonald, then?" "Please, Father, I cannot tell you." The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad, Tommy Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But you've sinned, and you must atone. You cannot attend church for three months. Be off with you now." Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?" "Three month's vacation and five good leads," says Tommy

		Army Ranger
		An Army ranger was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there he received a letter from his girlfriend. In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone, she wanted to break up and she wants pictures of herself back. So the Ranger does what any squared away Ranger would do. He went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women he could find. He then mailed about 25 pictures to his girlfriend with the following note: "I'm sorry I can't remember which one you are, but please take the one that belongs to you and send the rest back. Thank you."

The 21 Thinnest books Ever Written
Joke provided by DreamMaker

21. HOW I SERVED MY COUNTRY by Jane Fonda
20. MY BEAUTY SECRETS by Janet Reno
19. HOW TO BUILD YOUR OWN AIRPLANE by John Denver
18. MY SUPER BOWL HIGHLIGHTS by Dan Marino
17. THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL by HILLARY CLINTON
16. MY LITTLE BOOK OF PERSONAL HYGIENE by Osama Bin Laden
15. THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD by Bill Gates
14. THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY by Dennis Rodman
13. MY WILD YEARS by Al Gore
12. AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC
11. AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS
10. DETROIT: a Travel Guide
09. A COLLECTION of MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES by DR. J.Kevorkian
08. EVERYTHING MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN
07. EVERYTHING WOMEN KNOW ABOUT MEN
06. ALL THE MEN I HAVE LOVED BEFORE by Ellen de Generes
05. MIKE TYSON'S GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
04. SPOTTED OWL RECIPES by the EPA
03. THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY
02. MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS by O. J. Simpson

And the world's number One Thinnest Book ....
01. MY BOOK OF MORALS - by Bill Clinton/with introduction by The Rev.Jessie Jackson

	Four Worms
	Four worms were placed into four separate jars. The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol. The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke. The third worm was put into a jar of sperm. The fourth worm was put into a jar of soil. After one day, these were the results: The first worm in alcohol - dead. Second worm in cigarette smoke - dead. Third worm in sperm - dead. Fourth worm in soil - alive. Lesson: As long as you drink, smoke and have sex, you won't get worms.

	Police
	Police are called to an apartment and find a woman holding a bloody 5-iron standing over a lifeless man. The detective asks, "Ma'am, is that your husband?" "Yes" says the woman. "Did you hit him with that golf club?" "Yes, yes, I did." The woman begins to sob, drops the club, and puts her hands on her face. "How many times did you hit him?" "I don't know, five, six, maybe seven times.....just put me down for a five."

	Mulligan
	An American went to Scotland and played golf with a newly acquainted Scottish golfer. After a bad tee shot, he played a "Mulligan", which was an extremely good one. He then asked the Scot, "What do you call a Mulligan in Scotland?" "We call it hitting 3."

	Priest
	A young man and a priest are playing together. At a short par-3 the priest asks, "What are you going to use on this hole, my son?" The young man says, "An 8-iron, father. How about you?" The priest says, "I'm going to hit a soft seven and pray." The young man hits his 8-iron and puts the ball on the green. The priest tops his 7-iron and dribbles the ball out a few yards. The young man says, "I don't know about you father, but in my church when we pray, we keep our head down."

	Jack
	A gushy reporter told Jack Nicklaus, "You are spectacular, your name is synonymous with the game of golf. You really know your way around the course. What's your secret?" Nicklaus replied, "The holes are numbered".

	Coin
	A golfer asked his friend, "Why are you so late?" The friend replied," It's Sunday. I had to toss a coin between going to church or playing golf . .. and it took 25 tosses to get it right!"

	The Druggest
	A lady walks into the drug store and asks the druggist for some arsenic. The druggist asks "Ma'am, what do you want with arsenic?". The lady says "To kill my husband." "I can't sell you any for that reason" says the druggist. The lady then reaches into her purse and pulls out a photo of a man and a women in a compromising position, the man is her husband and the lady is the druggist's wife, and shows it to the druggist. He looks at the photo and says" Oh I didn't know you had a prescription!"

	Colin Powel
	SECRETARY of State Colin Powell put a snarky Iraqi reporter in his place the other day. The scribe tried to sandbag the statesman by asking, "Isn't it true that only 13 percent of young Americans can locate Iraq on a map?" "That may be true," Powell snapped. "You're probably right. But unfortunately for you, all 13 percent are Marines."

	Six Presidents
	Six presidents are on a cruise ship and it suddenly starts to sink! Ford says: "What do we do?" Bush says: "Man the lifeboats!" Reagan says: "What lifeboats?" Carter says: "Women first!" Nixon says: "Screw the women!" Clinton says: "You think we have time?"

	Good Thinkin' Bubba
	Down south, Bubba called his attorney and asked, "Is it true they're suin' the cigarette companies for causing people to get cancer? "Yes, Bubba, sure is true." responded the lawyer. "And now someone's suin' them fast food restaurants for making 'em fat and cloggin' their hearts with all them burgers and fries, is that true mister lawyer?" "Sure is Bubba. But why you asking?" "Cause what I want to know is, I was thinkin' can I sue Budweiser for all them ugly women I've slept with?"